Murphy’s law: Celebrate!

2019-06-14 TomLawless

Tom Lawless, the patron saint of bat flippers, starting his flip in Game Four, 1987 World Series . . .

The Fun Police have a new protester who played the game in an earlier era. And when Dale Murphy talks, it would be wise for the Fun Police to lend him their ears and not their billy clubs.

Murphy inaugurated his partial new life writing for The Athletic with a September 2018 essay in which he applauded doing away with throwing at batters on hot streaks. That was after the Marlins’ Jose Ureña was stupid enough to think the proper way to stop Ronald Acuna, Jr. from making mincemeat out of Marlins pitching was to open a game by drilling Acuna’s elbow.

The longtime Braves bombardier said then pitching inside is one thing but drilling hitters who offend you is something else entirely. “If Ureña thought he was being tough, he wasn’t. Good pitchers–and staffs–will take command of a situation before a guy is swatting home runs left and right. The Marlins kept throwing Acuña fastballs down the middle. Well, what did they think was going to happen? A light should have gone on. Hmm, maybe we should try something else.”

Now, Murphy wasn’t exactly amused when Madison Bumgarner barked at Max Muncy after Muncy drove one of Bumgarner’s offerings clean into McCovey’s Cove last week. Murphy was far more impressed not just that Muncy was sharp enough in spontaneity to hand Bumgarner a classic one-liner (I just told him if he doesn’t want me to watch the ball, go get it out of the ocean) that begat a classic troll shirt, but that Muncy had no qualms about even a lower-keyed celebration of, you know, achievement.

“Admiring a home run is OK,” Murphy writes in an essay published Friday. “Bat-flipping is OK. Emotion is OK. None of that is a sign of poor sportsmanship or disrespect for an opponent. It’s a celebration of achievement — and doing so should not only be allowed, but encouraged.” And he’s not limiting its encouragement to hitters alone, either. “Pitchers can shout excitedly after an important out,” he writes. They can pump their fist after a clutch strikeout. Players, fans—and basically any rational-thinking human—will understand that no harm is intended by these spontaneous expressions of joy.”

Last year, Nationals reliever Sean Doolittle jumped onto the fun train. And he said he wanted more than just bat flips. “If a guy hits a home run off me, drops to his knees, pretends the bat is a bazooka, and shoots it out at the sky, I don’t give a shit,” he said. To which I myself added, “I hope a lot of pitchers start channeling their inner Dennis Eckersley and start fanning pistols after they strike someone out. I’d kill to see a hitter moonwalk around the bases after hitting one out. Let’s see more keystone combinations chest bump or make like jugglers after they turn a particularly slick and tough double play.”

“These are some of the best athletes in the world, competing against some of the other best athletes in the world, with generational wealth at stake,” writes Murphy. “Yet, they’re expected to play baseball like they’re doing calculus at afternoon tea.” My own expression was (and remains) that whereas Willie Stargell was right saying, “The umpire doesn’t say, ‘Work ball’,” if you want to play baseball like businessmen, take the field and check in at the plate in three-piece suits.

“In what other sport does this happen?” Murphy asks. “In what other sport is celebration considered disrespect? In football, guys plan celebrations. They choreograph them with teammates. They gesture when they get a first down. As far as I know, the world hasn’t ended.  Baseball is a strange place. It’s not OK to watch your home run, but it is OK for someone to throw a baseball 95 miles per hour at your head if you do.”

It’s still funny in anything but a ho-ho-ho way that when it’s free agency signing season the Old School wants us to remember they’re getting overpaid to play a game, for crying out loud . . . but when it’s time to actually play the game, God forbid the players look like they’re, you know, playing.

Murphy is careful not to say that those on the field who don’t like celebrating their achievements should be allowed not to like it, either. But he’s adamant that if they want to celebrate, they shouldn’t risk being decapitated the next time they bat against the pitcher they just took into the ocean. And, to Madison Bumgarner’s eternal credit, he didn’t even think about trying to flip Max Muncy when Muncy faced him the next time.

Neither did the arguable and unlikely father of the home run bat flip as we’ve come to know it face revenge.

I take you back to the 1987 World Series. The one in which no game was won on the road and the Twins won in seven. The one in which Tom Lawless—journeyman infielder, minus 2.1 wins above a replacement-level player, lifetime .521 OPS, lifetime hitter of two regular-season major league home runs, who hadn’t hit one out since 1984—squared up Frank Viola (a Cy Young Award winner the following season) with two on and nobody out, in the bottom of the fourth, in a tied-at-one Game Four, and hit a meaty fastball over the left field fence.

Lawless took ten leisurely steps out of the box up the first base line as the ball flew out. When it banged off a railing above and behind the fence, he flipped his bat about ten feet straight up into the Busch Stadium air before starting his home run trot. The crowd may have cheered as much for that flip as for the ball flying out in the first place.

“Look at this!” hollered then-ABC commentator Tim McCarver when showing it on a replay. McCarver and Al Michaels sounded absolutely exuberant. Viola didn’t exactly look thrilled to have just surrendered a tiebreaking three run homer, but he wasn’t exactly spitting fire or raging in the moment, either.

As Bleacher Report‘s Danny Knobler observes in Unwritten: Bat Flips, the Fun Police, and Baseball’s New Future, Viola never once retaliated for the Lawless flip. On 14 May 1989, Viola and Lawless met for the first time since that Series, with Lawless now a Blue Jay pinch hitting for Rob Ducey in the top of the fifth. Viola caught Lawless looking at a third strike in that pinch hit appearance. Lawless stayed in the game playing right field, of all places. He batted against Viola in the top of the eighth and grounded out to first.

Not once did Lawless face a knockdown or brushback.

It’s a shame someone didn’t teach that lesson to Hunter Strickland two years ago, when he opened against Bryce Harper by drilling Harper in the hip—over a couple of long, almost three-year-old postseason home runs the second of which Strickland thought Harper pimped, when the only thing Harper actually did was make sure the launch straight over the right field line and foul pole would fly out fair.

“I didn’t remember flipping it,” Lawless said after that ’87 Series game. “I’ve never been in a position like this before.” He never would be again, either. That blast was the only World Series hit of Lawless’s career, and he never played in the Series again.

In 2017, he told a Cardinals television broadcast interviewer, “I don’t have any idea why I did it. It just happened.” Spoilsport.

Think, don’t lament

Major League baseballs, waiting for batting practice. Shot on an iPhone 7.Ring Lardner became disillusioned with baseball because of the live ball era. He wrote about it plainly in a New Yorker essay in 1930, “Br’er Rabbit Ball.” Today’s analysts and perhaps a lot of those who play and manage baseball wonder about today’s home run inflation, as in there are just too damn many of them this year.

One minute you can’t help wondering whether some people can never be satisfied. In the same minute you can’t help wondering whether they’d like to return to the so-called dead ball era, when baseballs weren’t so lively and weren’t replaced by official rule every couple of plays.

Think about that one a moment. In the dead ball era, pitchers rarely posted ERAs over 3.00 if at all, and you could lead the league in home runs with—wait for it—nine. (Ty Cobb did that, in 1909.) In 1968, we saw some magnificent pitching performances but lamented that it suppressed hitting. The Year of the Pitcher, we called it.

Like Ring Lardner, I love watching pitchers working on solid performances get rewarded for those. Unlike a lot of people wringing their hands now, I’m not about to wonder whether the home run epidemic, if an epidemic it truly is, is going to wreck baseball. The game has amazing ways of righting itself, sometimes with a little help from the outside (however spurious), sometimes just by its own organic recourse.

Maybe it was ridiculous when the Nationals tied a Show record last Sunday when four straight men (Howie Kendrick, Trea Turner, Adam Eaton, Anthony Rendon) teed off against a former teammate now labouring for the Padres. (Craig Stammen.)

But maybe there were odds in favour of it not so much because of the juiced ball as because, just maybe, a) the four Nats were familiar enough with the pitcher to be able to turn whatever he threw to them into rocketry; and, b) Padres manager Andy Green didn’t have the acumen in the moment to reach for another reliever, maybe even his closer Kirby Yates who hadn’t appeared in a couple of days, at least after the second Nat bomber (Turner) launched.

And maybe that was nothing compared to the party the Phillies and the Diamondbacks had the following day. In a ballpark (Citizens Bank Park) that’s renowned enough for being a haven for hitting while compelling pitchers to step up their game just so. Oops. Only two of the eight pitchers sent to work that day (four for each team) worked without seeing any service sail over the fences. And only two of the day’s pitchers had ERAs below 4.60.

The Phillies and the Diamondbacks hit thirteen bombs between them and the Diamondbacks won, 13-8, with the Phillies collecting thirteen hits to the Diamondbacks’ fourteen. Three Snakes (Jarrod Dyson, Ketel Marte, David Peralta) opened the game with home runs. Four batters (Dyson, the Phillies’ Scott Kingery twice, and the Phillies’ Rhys Hoskins) led off innings with home runs. Four of the game’s 21 runs scored on anything except home runs.

This year’s rather surprising Twins are also thought to be the prime offenders when it comes to how much they think the chicks still dig the long ball. Only the Astros and the Dodgers have records better than the Twins’ 45-22 as of this morning. Entering today’s play the Twins have hit more home runs through this morning (132) than Cobb hit in his entire career. (115.) Six of their regular players have home runs in double digits; one of them (designated hitter Nelson Cruz) was the only man to hit 40 or more bombs in 2014.

Some lament the return of the so-called cheap home run. You know: the loft or the liner that barely makes it to the edge of the bleachers. (Buster Olney, ESPN, on a podcast: “How many times have we heard announcers say, ‘I can’t believe that one went out’?”) We’ve heard that argument before and in different contexts. There were those, unfortunately, who thought Roger Maris got a lot of “cheap” home runs when he busted ruthsrecord in 1961 because Maris’s specialty was the high line drive, not the ICBM launch.

But you wonder. A barrage of home runs has enough people lamenting the lack of “real action” in games. A dearth of homers and round after round of machine-gun grounders and liners and road running could well enough have enough people lamenting the game actually needs to slow down a trifle or three.

ESPN’s David Schoenfield has performed a service re-tracing the evolution of the baseball itself. As he reminds us and we probably should have known going in, this year’s model isn’t exactly the first time the ball has been re-made/re-modeled:

1911—Almost a full decade before the so-called live ball was born, baseballs were changed from rubber centers to cork centers. The new ball was actually introduced during the 1910 World Series and the game’s overseers of the time decided to keep it. (The Philadelphia Athletics hit .322 as a team to smother the .234-hitting Cubs in the 1910.)

Fifteen players hit .300+ in 1910 and only three slugged .470+. Thirty players hit .300+ in 1911 and thirteen slugged .470+. The hitting bump didn’t last thanks to the advent of a few crafty ball doctors on the mound by 1916. The live ball era would just have to wait.

1920-21—In the film version of Eight Men Out, Ring Lardner (played by the film’s director John Sayles, who could have been Lardner’s doppleganger) is seen chatting with Black Sox pitcher Eddie Cicotte before the ill-fated 1919 World Series and showing Cicotte a ball that’s “wound tighter” and a potential handicap for pitchers such as himself.

The ball actually didn’t change all that much. What did change was a) Babe Ruth moving to the Yankees and to a homer-friendly home park (the Polo Grounds, with its notorious short foul lines) and busting out big; b) the new rule requiring fresh balls in play at all times, after the tragedy of Ray Chapman; and, c) the formal ban of the spitball and other ball doctoring.

1930—Batters went nuts. The major league average that year was 5.55 runs a game; the Giants hit .319 as a complete team and the National League overall hit .303, abetted by the hapless Phillies posting a team 6.71 ERA. It’s also the year Freddie Lindstrom’s hitting average was .379, which as Schoenfield notes is probably the major reason he eventually became one of the worst picks for the Hall of Fame.

It was ridiculous looking enough that season that even the National League couldn’t take it. They ordered a new ball for 1931 with a thicker cover and a slightly higher seam. The American League didn’t mind the big hitting numbers, though.

1977—Out went the Spalding people as makers of the game’s balls, and in came Rawlings. A year earlier, baseball scored an average 3.99 runs per game. Some said the new Rawlings ball had a little more hop; others thought the new expansion teams in Seattle and Toronto meant a temporary pitching dilution. The 1977 runs per game: 4.77.

1987—Whitey Herzog wasn’t the only man in baseball presuming corked bats. But he turned out to be wrong. Something happened to the balls for that season. Sparky Anderson called them “nitroglycerin balls.” So much for the Mets’ Howard Johnson being accused of corking bats, prompting Mets reliever Roger McDowell to leave a bat in front of the Cardinals’ dugout with chunks of cork glued around the barrel to zap their accusations.

Johnson emerged as one of the National League’s home run kings in 1987, but he’d reach the highest single-season number of his career in . . . 1991, when the switch-hitting infielder hit 38 to lead the league. Whatever the guy who shared a name with an iconic travel lodge and restaurant chain was doing, it didn’t have anything to do with his lumber.

If you need more evidence, baseball went from 4.72 runs a game in ’87 to 4.14 in ’88, and that, Schoenfield notes, was also lower than the runs per game in 1984-86. One player who hit 22 home runs over the previous three seasons hit 24 in ’87. (Wade Boggs.) Another whose career average per 162 games was 27 home runs hit 49 in ’87: Andre Dawson.

“Then, just like that, the ball was dead,” Schoenfield writes. “In 1987, only four starting pitchers had a sub-3.00 ERA. In 1988, 20 pitchers achieved that mark. The sport entered a five-year span with a relative lull in offense.”

1993—There were players turning to actual or alleged performance-enhancing substances by that year, but Rawlings also converted from hand-made to machine-made cores, winding them tighter.

And you know something? Every time the baseballs themselves were remodeled, it didn’t take as long as you think for things to begin leveling off again to a reasonable extent. This year’s ball may be a Super Ball but then this year’s hitters are still amidst the trend of the last couple of seasons in which they’re oriented to launch angling and big swinging, and this year’s pitchers are still trying to throw the proverbial lamb chops past the wolves.

Or are they? Pay closer attention to the published play-by-play game logs the next day when you’re not able to watch certain games. Watch the pitchers going to more off-speed stuff. You’ll be surprised at how many of them, even the known power pitchers, are doing it; some of them even spend entire plate appearances showing hitters nothing fast. Watch how many batters are putting how many balls in play, whether ground balls or line drives. They’re doing it a little more often than you think, and they’re even beginning, little by little, to wise up about the overshifts.

And they’re using more maple bats now than before. Don’t discount it: Balls jump faster off maple bats than they did off the old ash bats. But keep an eye on birch bats. They’re considered tougher than ash and more flexible than maple, and they may be coming more into major league teams near you if they haven’t already. The wood itself is lighter, but that lets a hitter so inclined to swing a bat with a fatter barrel through the hitting zone. The balls probably aren’t the only things that have changed.

Baseball may be on a home run binge now but I’m not entirely convinced it’s going to stay that way. Sooner or later, there’ll be pitchers getting it into their heads that they need something more than a supersonic fastball to survive on the mound—they need to use their heads as well as their arms. Hitters with smarts as well as strength don’t have to power a swing—just make contact and that supersonic fastball is liable to fly abroad.

Sooner or later, there’ll be batters getting it into their heads that they’re not going to hit balls into the path of Jupiter’s moons every time they connect, and when they’re being gifted a big piece of field, they learn to break the patterns hammered into them and respond accordingly. Hitters stubborn enough to keep pulling into those shifts are hitters who aren’t going to survive in the major league game.

One thing above all isn’t likely to change no matter how many times the balls and the bats are. “Hitting is timing,” said Warren Spahn. “Pitching is destroying timing.” Spahn pitched with his brains equal to his arm. The sooner pitchers in today’s game equalise their brains to their arms, the sooner their coaches steer them back toward mind over matter, the sooner the game “rights” itself.

“As long as home runs are obtained with properly-obtained bodies and under protocol,” writes 12up‘s Parker White, “no baseball fan (or casual observer) should have a problem with more longballs. Often, that’s how fandom itself is made.” But smart pitching often makes fandom, too. So does smart and slightly daring defense, from the Flying Wallendas in the 1969 Mets’ outfield to Andrew Benintendi in last year’s American League Championship Series.

Wait ’till the next aberrational imbalance, perhaps another Year of the Pitcher. Then we’re going to hear choruses of “pitching is destroying the game” again, equal to the ones now singing about “hitting/home runs are destroying the game.” Baseball is supposed to be the thinking person’s sport. A little thinking would go a long way for those who play and administer the game. But who cares what I think?

 

Talk of the trade

2019-06-12 MadisonBumgarner

Could Madison Bumgarner change employers at last by or before this year’s trade deadline? (Will it be the Yankees? The Brewers?) And who else might the contenders have eyes upon?

‘Tis the season to be pondering who’s coming or going before or at baseball’s new single trade deadline. I know the deadline isn’t June, but it seems just about every season that June is the month when trade talk becomes as fevered as a Trump tweetstorm. At this moment the temperature is low but sure to climb.

You have to be careful, though. Out there in the press mainstream merely speculating upon who’s liable to change addresses can lead to strange feelings among the speculated-upon. And their current employers. Maybe their employers-to-be. (Renters-to-be?) And it’s always healthy to try keeping the strange as much to the playing field as possible.

Everybody with me so far? OK. Now let’s consider potential candidates, understanding that they’re not officially on the block just yet but that teams with certain needs may cast eyes upon them:

Madison Avenue Dept.—Madison Bumgarner ain’t quite what he used to be, if you don’t count orneriness, but his postseason jacket alone would make him attractive to a contender looking for a) a rental lefthander, and b) a fun policeman, since he hits free agency for the first time after this season. (The Yankees are already rumoured to have eyes for him, and the Brewers may have likewise.) But pay attention, contenders needing bullpen help: the Giants have a sleeper for you. Will Smith, lefthanded closer, 2.19 ERA, 0.73 walks/hits per inning pitched rate, 35 strikeouts and a mere five walks in 24 2/3 innings so far this year.

Surprise Package Dept.—Don’t look now, but Ken Giles—he of the 2017 World Series disasters and the 2018 meltdowns that got him purged from Houston—has resurrected himself very quietly in Toronto. Giles has a 1.08 ERA, a 1.15 FIP, a 6.0 strikeout-to-walk rate, a 15.1 K/9 rate, and a 0.4 HR/9 rate this season. Contenders needing pen help shouldn’t ignore such closers. Bloodied-but-unbowed and otherwise.

On Your Marcus Dept.—Giles’ Blue Jays teammate Marcus Stroman has a year and a half left on his current deal, and a contender looking for rotation fortification might find him attractive enough to deal for him with eyes upon extending him with plenty of time to work something out. He may be hung with a major league-leading eight losses but those are definitely team efforts considering his 3.31 ERA. A contender needing a middle-of-the-rotation arm with postseason experience could make the Jays an offer they can’t refuse.

Either Thor Dept.—Noah Syndergaard is actually pitching a little better than his 4.45 ERA shows, even if his tendency to just fire may actually be working against him now. (His K/9 rate isn’t the same as it was in 2015-16 and may not be again for a good while.) But if the Mets awaken enough to know they’re not likely to reach even a wild card berth this time around, Syndergaard still has upside (and is under contract through 2021) to bring them back some decent prospects and give a contender a not-so-secret weapon that may not disappear too soon.

Tribal Fission Dept.—Right now the Indians don’t look like the contenders they were thought to be this year—by themselves or by others. They also don’t look like sellers now, but that could change after Cleveland hosts this year’s All-Star Game and if the Indians don’t look like even a wild card outlier after the Game. The likeliest Tribesmen to bring back a haul if the Indians decide to remake/remodel? Pitchers Corey Kluber (assuming his return to health), Trevor Bauer, and Brad Hand; and, shortstop Francisco Lindor. Lindor especially would be the nugget: 25 years old, established star, and continuing upside.

Full of Colome Dept.—Smith and Giles may not be the only attractive relief target for deal-minded contenders. Alex Colome may look just as delicious even though he’s closing for a rebuilding White Sox team. That 2.19 ERA and 0.65 walks/hits per inning pitched rate are just too succulent for contenders needing relief to ignore. And, like Stroman, Colome has a year and a half left on his deal and a contender in need might find the 30-year-old  attractive enough to talk extension before the deal expires. Might.

Greene Fields Dept.—Contenders in need of relief might have even bigger eyes for Tigers closer Shane Greene. Like Colome, he’s 30. Like Giles, he has an ERA close to 1.00. (Specifically, 1.04.) Unlike Giles, though, Greene’s FIP is a little north of 3.00. But Greene at this writing has a 4.0 K/BB ratio and leads the American League with nineteen saves, and his 9.0 K/9 rate still makes him a catch.

The Nat’chl Blues Dept.—Like the Mets, the Nationals entered the season viewed as one of four National League East contenders. Like the Mets, the Nats are on the brink of fading away from that. And, like the Mets, the Nats have pieces they might be willing to move. Might. The nuggets: Anthony Rendon, their best position player still and a free agent after the season; and, Sean Doolittle, the only true decently consistent option in their inconsistent bullpen. But Howie Kendrick is also having a splendid season. If the Nats decide to sell, watch those three names.

Hot Seven Dept.—Nothing to do with Louis Armstrong, alas. Like the Nats, nobody knows just yet if the Reds might hang up the for-sale signs. But if they do, they’ve got seven men who become free agents at season’s end: Zach Duke, Scooter Gennett, David Hernandez, Jose Iglesias, Yasiel Puig, Tanner Roark, and Alex Wood. (With Wood, of course, it depends on his health.) For now, just watch. For now.

 

A method to Donaldson’s madness?

2019-06-11 JoshDonaldson

If Josh Donaldson was really furious over his jersey being brushed by an inside pitch, rather than the pitch actually hitting him, he’s baseball’s biggest crybaby. But if he was trying to rattle the Pirates into a starter’s ejection and an unexpected bullpen game when their pitching staff is already addled, he might be a genius . . . might . . .

Next to the question of former Red Sox bombardier David Ortiz’s prognosis following his being shot in a Santo Domingo ambush Sunday, baseball’s number one question Monday night just might have been, “Who whacked Josh Donaldson and Joe Musgrove with the stupid stick?” Don’t be sure anyone’s in a big hurry to claim responsibility for the deed.

Musgrove pitched to Donaldson in the bottom of the first with Dansby Swanson on third following a one-out double and a ground out advance. The Pirates righthander started Donaldson with a four-seam fastball inside. The ball grazed Donaldson’s jersey so obviously you could see it flap like a flag in the high wind.

It never touched the Braves’ third baseman.

Donaldson and Musgrove shared some glares as Donaldson began walking to first base. Pirates catcher Elmer Diaz stepped forward to try urging Donaldson toward first and Donaldson all but threw him to one side as if hoisting a sack of feed from a warehouse pallet.

Out came the benches. And out of the game went Donaldson and Musgrove, not to mention Pirates manager Clint Hurdle after he hustled to the umps to argue against Musgrove’s ejection.

Some thought Donaldson smirked at Musgrove as he stepped away from the batter’s box. Some thought Donaldson hollered words along the line of, “What the [fornicate] are you looking at, [female dog]?”

I can’t help wondering whether there wasn’t a little mischievious gamesmanship involved in the whole thing to begin with. Leo Durocher, Billy Martin, pick up the house phones. As a Pirates beat writer, Adam Berry, noted aboard Twitter, the Pirates at the moment didn’t have an actual starting pitcher to use for Wednesday’s and Thursday’s games against the Braves. The last thing they needed Monday night was an unanticipated bullpen game to open the set.

But now Musgrove is likely to get the Thursday start, since he only worked two-thirds of an inning before the jersey brush. Except that he was originally scheduled to make his next start against the Marlins come Saturday. There goes that start. And though the Marlins normally make the Pirates resemble the Yankees, this year’s Fish have become known for making a few tough times for a few actual or alleged contenders now and then.

And for better or worse the Pirates seem to be the National League’s leading mound dusters this season. But the last thing they needed Monday was another pitching issue after sending Jordan Lyle to the injured list with a tightened hamstring.

“We’ve had no beef in the past until now,” Musgrove told the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette after the game. “For him to act that way and I did nothing but stand my ground. I hit him with the pitch and he stared at me and tried to intimidate me and I’m not going to let that happen. I looked back at him and he had a few words to say. He crossed the line and came at me. I took my hat and glove off and got ready to fight. I don’t know what else you can do in that situation.”

Musgrove may have been ejected less for the pitch itself than for throwing his hat to the ground angrily as the teams began scrumming. Hurdle still wasn’t happy about his man getting the ho-heave. “The hard part is watching a man cross the line and push the catcher out of the way,” Hurdle said of Donaldson’s shoving Diaz. The pitcher drops his hat and glove and . . .

“Since the time we’ve been on the playground at six-year-old we’ve tried to find ways to stand our ground,” the skipper continued. “I understand that in a vacuum saying that you shouldn’t throw your hat down, but if you’ve played the game or been around sports there’s time when you drop your hat and glove. The hard part is if the batter goes to first none of this happens.”

Is it possible Donaldson was aware enough of that scenario that he was willing to take one for the team in order to leave the already-vulnerable Pirates staff completely at the potential mercy of the Braves’ swingers with their bullpen in earlier than hoped for? The 13-7 Braves win certainly makes it look that way.

Because even though the Braves ended up going calmly in the bottom of the first, and Braves starter Kevin Gausman kept it 1-0 after a leadoff base hit in the top of the second, the Braves broke out the cudgels in the bottom of the second: a leadoff hit batsman, a walk, a runner-advancing ground out, a strikeout that loaded the bases thanks to the passed ball on strike three, and Ronald Acuna, Jr. coming to the plate. Acuna turned on a hanging curve ball from Alex McRae and drove it halfway up the left field bleachers.

If only it was one of Gausman’s better nights. Starling Marte hit the first pitch he saw in the top of the third over the center field fence with Kevin Newman and Bryan Reynolds aboard and nobody out. Part of it was Gausman’s own fault, after he threw offline trying to force Newman (leadoff single) at second on Reynolds’s grounder back to the mound.

Now both teams were into each other’s bullpens. Ozzie Albies flattened McRae’s hanging changeup on 1-2 and sent it into the left center field bleachers in the bottom of the third. If McRae was trying to take one for his team, what he took was almost cruel and unusual punishment when he walked Swanson to open the Atlanta fourth and Freddie Freeman drove a 2-1 fastball not far from where Acuna’s salami landed.

Geoff Hartleib had the dubious pleasure of seeing the score swell to 9-4 when Nick Markakis drove home his 1,000th career run on a single up the pipe. His teammates toasted him after the game. “It just means I’m getting old,” Markakis cracked to reporters.

Albies made it 10-4 in the seventh with a solo over the center field fence. Marte saw him leading off the top of the eighth with a first pitch bomb off former Met Jerry Blevins. Later in the inning, with Dan Winkler having relieved Blevins, pinch hitter Corey Dickerson shot a two-run single to make it 10-7.

So, naturally, in the bottom of the eighth, Johan Comargo, who’d replaced Donaldson after the jersey brush, singled Swanson home before Markakis, apparently deciding he wasn’t getting that old, hit a two-run homer. And Jacob Webb shook off a two-out walk to sink the Pirates in the top of the ninth.

“Musgrove and Donaldson have no particular history, and these teams are not rivals,” wrote Deadspin‘s Chris Thompson, who called Musgrove and Donaldson steakheads for their trouble. “And the ball that ‘hit’ Donaldson didn’t actually hit him at all. There was no reason for anyone involved to feel proud or pissed or slighted or triumphant, at all.”

But maybe, just maybe, Donaldson wasn’t as much of a steakhead as he looked.

Gee, Officer Krupke—krup you!

2019-06-10 MaxMuncyMadisonBumgarner

He didn’t quite demand “Who died and left you the Baseball Police?” but Max Muncy splashed Madison Bumgarner’s self-righteousness Sunday afternoon . . .

When Madison Bumgarner’s pitching career ends, a good many people will remember him as a postseason lancer who throve and delivered when the heat was nuclear. Appropriately. And a good many people likewise will remember him as a classic get-off-my-lawn type with the petulance of a nursery school child whenever any hitter had the audacity to hit a home run off him. Also, appropriately.

The get-off-my-lawn Bumgarner arrived Sunday afternoon in AT&T Park when Dodgers infielder Max Muncy greeted him in the top of the first. The lefthanded Bumgarner threw the lefthanded Muncy a fastball fat and juicy. And Muncy drove it past about five kayakers into McCovey Cove behind the right field promenade.

All Muncy did after connecting was take a few moderate steps up the line before starting his home run jog. If you’re measuring bat flips, Muncy’s was more like a bat dump. And as he rounded first, Bumgarner—who suffers neither fools nor home run hitters gladly—growled at Muncy: “Don’t watch the ball, run!”

Muncy wasn’t exactly unprepared as he rounded first heading for second. As he quoted himself after the Dodgers banked the 1-0 win: “I just told him if he doesn’t want me to watch the ball, go get it out of the ocean.”

If you thought “Don’t look at me!”/”Don’t look at him” troll T-shirts whipped up fast after Bumgarner roared just that at then-Dodger Yasiel Puig a few years ago, you hadn’t seen anything yet:

2019-06-10 GoGetItOutOfTheOcean

That shirt hit the cyberground almost as fast as Muncy’s blast flew into the cove. Its arrival made the old “Don’t look at me!” troll shirts seem on a time delay.

About the only thing Sunday’s game did otherwise was resurrect Bumgarner’s likely trade value should the Giants finally acquiesce to reality and kick off a painful but necessary remake/remodel. He pitched seven innings and, after Muncy put his ego into the drink, scattered three more hits while striking out five and surrendering no other runs.

That wasn’t even close to the story of the game.

Bumgarner is self-aware enough to know he comes off like the kind of grump that divides baseball fans almost in half. For every old-school grouse who thought Bumgarner was not only within his rights to let Muncy have what for rounding first, but also a little chin music, maestro, his next time up, there’s a new-school graduate who thinks Bumgarner’s still too young to become a boring old fart playing a game in which he happens to earn a ducal dollop of dollars while playing it.

“I can’t even say it with a straight face,” the lefthander told reporters after the game, and he couldn’t. Bumgarner looked like he was trying to stifle the kind of nervous snicker you might emit when something strikes you funny during something like a funeral.

“I was going to say the more I think about it, you’ve got to just let the kids play, that’s what everybody is saying, but . . . he struck a pose and walked further than I liked . . . They want to let everybody be themselves. Let me by myself —that’s me, you know? I’d just as soon fight than walk or whatever. You just do your thing, I’ll do mine. Everybody is different. I can’t speak for everybody else, but that’s just how I want to play. And that’s how I’m going to.”

Bumgarner has one point. There’s nothing wrong with letting him be himself, either. If he wants to treat baseball as though he ought to be pitching in a business suit instead of a Giants uniform, that’s his right and he’s earned it.

Except that he knows others enjoy the same right to be themselves. If he wants to bawl out a hitter who just laid waste to one of his pitches and has the audacity to enjoy having done it, then what he’s really saying is he doesn’t really respect the other guy’s right to be himself, too.

If Bumgarner wants to fume because he was sent into orbit, fine. But there’s a reason why Muncy’s basepath comeback kicked off a new supply of troll shirts. Bumgarner doesn’t want hitters admiring their home runs off him, whether or not they land among a crowd of kayakers on the waters? And he’s not exactly out there trying to serve them pitches they can hit for those home runs.

Unless there’s some personal animosity between them otherwise, a hitter who’s just sent one seaborne isn’t looking to add insult to injury when he has fun with it as it sails away and after it lands. (Pirates, try to remember that the next time Derek Dietrich plants one into the Allegheny River.) Neither is a pitcher who can’t resist a little gesture of triumph after he survives a very tough plate appearance by striking the batter out at last.

Let’s have no nonsense about it all just being MadBum being the competitor he is. “‘Enjoy the view, bitch, because I’m gonna strike your sorry ass out next time’ is being a competitor,” says Deadspin‘s Albert Burneko. “‘Stop watching your home run, it’s rude!’ is being the cops.”

Forget the business suit, maybe Bumgarner ought to take the mound in a police uniform. Gee, Officer Krupke—krup you!

It’s not as though Bumgarner doesn’t understand the thrill. This is a pitcher who’s hit eighteen home runs himself during his eleven-season career. Including a pair on Opening Day 2017. You might suggest Bumgarner take off the gun belt and billy club and have himself a ball around the bases the next time he hits one for distance.

But you can see the troll shirts now: “Fun for me but not for thee!”