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About Jeff Kallman

Member, Internet Baseball Writers Association of America and the Society for American Baseball Research.

On, Guards!

Cleveland Guardians

The Guardians celebrate their division series conquest. Ahead lay the Yankees for the pennant. Time for their star to be uncrossed at last?

The first time Cleveland went to the World Series? They were known as the Indians. And they won. (Yes. You can look it up.)

They edged to the 1920 pennant as the White Sox collapsed in the immediate wake of the Eight Men Out’s being suspended upon the Black Sox revelations. Then, they beat the Brooklyn Robins—your future Dodgers—in six games. (On the same day as the Series clinching game, ground for the Holland Tunnel joining New York to New Jersey was broken under the Hudson River. And, Man o’War, 1920’s Preakness Stakes and Belmont Stakes winner, beat 1919 Triple Crown winner Sir Barton in a match race in Ontario.)

The next time Cleveland went to the World Series? Still the Indians, and winning once again.

This time, they beat the Boston Braves, also in six games. Those Indians had a few Hall of Famers (Lou Boudreau, Larry Doby, Bob Feller, Bob Lemon, Satchel Paige) one of whom (Feller) provided a hand-held World War II spyglass with which he’d come home from World War II for through-the-scoreboard sign-stealing subterfuge down the stretch. Not very nice.

The next time Cleveland went to the World Series? Still the Indians. Burying the American League thoroughly in 1954.

So thoroughly that the usually triumphant Yankees could win 103 games and finish . . . second. As if to prove too decisively that no good deed remains unpunished, they were flattened in four straight by the New York Giants, a massacre that only began with a kid named Willie Mays and a certain play next to the Polo Grounds’ deep center field wall.

The next time Cleveland went to the World Series? It took slightly over four decades.

1995: A heartbreak loss to another team of Braves, this time roosted in Atlanta. Two years later: A worse heartbreak loss, off the bat of Edgar Renteria, swinging for a team barely entering kindergarten and destined to be dismantled posthaste, by their brain-frozen owner, before the champagne was barely washed from their hair.

The next time Cleveland went to the World Series? It took a sliver over two decades. Still the Indians.

They had the pleasure of tangling with another star-crossed team, out of Chicago. They had the 3-2 Series advantage. Those Cubs said, well, they have us right where we want them . . . and won the next pair, not without a lot of back-and-forth and wrestling. (And, one karmic Game Seven rain delay.)

Now, they are in their third year of life as the Guardians. They are about to begin an American League Championship Series against the Yankees, whose ancestors came up so short against them for the pennant exactly sixty years previous. And I find myself in an uncomfortable position.

You see, I have been a Met fan since the day they were born. The Mets are about to play the Dodgers in the National League Championship Series. Wouldn’t I just love to see the Mets elbow, shove, bop, wrestle, and shiv their way past the Dodgers to reach this Series? Of course I would.

The Mets haven’t won a Series in 38 years. That’s slightly more than half the time since the last Cleveland Series conquest. I have seen the Mets win two Series. I’ve also seen my Red Sox (fan since the 1967 pennant race) win four Series in this century. I’ve seen the Cubs finish a 108-year rebuilding effort with a Series win—against a team of Indians one of whom now co-leads the Mets in postseason field and batting mayhem. I’ve even seen Washington win its first non-Negro Leagues World Series since Calvin Coolidge had to finish Warren G. Harding’s term in the White House.

Far as I’m concerned, everyone else can just hurry up and wait a little longer. I don’t want my Mets to lose. But I don’t want the Guardians to lose, either.

The Guardians have been just as star crossed if not more so since 1954. You think being a Cub, a Red Sox, a Met, or a Dodger could be excercises in extraterrestrial heartache? (And, headaches?)

Ask any Cleveland fan about such curses as Rocky Colavito (traded as spring training 1960 was about to end) or disasters such as illness (physical and otherwise), injuries, or both, to such promising sprouts such as Max Alvis, Larry Brown, Tony Horton, Ray Fosse, and 1980 Rookie of the Year Super Joe Charboneau.

Ask any Cleveland fan about Ten-Cent Beer Night in ancient Municipal Stadium in 1994. (Also known as the Mistake on the Lake in the Mistake on the Lake.)

Ask any Cleveland fan what really happened to the team’s first major free agency pitching signing, Wayne Garland, after he signed a ten-year contract in 1977. (Answer: He injured his arm in his first spring training game, pitched through the injury anyway to prove he was worth his deal, but never regained the form that made him attractive to the team in the first place.)

Ask any Cleveland fan why the former Tribe lost future Hall of Fame pitcher Dennis Eckersley to a spring training 1978 trade. (Answer: a teammate having an affair with his wife.)

Ask any Cleveland fan about the year Sports Illustrated predicted they’d win the 1987 American League pennant . . . but went forth to finish dead last with 101 losses.

Ask any Cleveland fan about spring 1993. 1) Their new spring training home in Homestead, Florida was flattened by Hurricane Andrew. 2) They moved spring training to Winter Haven. 3) Relief pitchers Tim Crews and Steve Olin killed, and starter Bob Ojeda left alive with head injuries and long therapy to follow, when a legally-inebriated Crews drove his boat right into a Little Lake Nellie dock.

Ask any Cleveland fan if they’ve recovered from relief multi-instrumentalist Andrew Miller finally running out of fuel in Game Seven of that 2016 Series, then having one more stellar season in him despite a bad knee only to see the team fall to the Yankees in the 2017 division series.

It took five hard-played division series games and a Game Five dispatching of the Tigers’ best pitcher for the Guards to get to this ALCS in the first place. The exclamation point came from a guy acquired from the Nationals at the trade deadline. Lane Thomas went from the barely-known soldier to the man of the hour in the Game Five fifth when, with the bases loaded, he sent Tarik Skubal’s first pitch into the left field seats.

Now the Guards face the Yankees with key elements at full power. The side of Steven Kwan that suggested greatness has shown up thus far. José Ramírez, maybe the least appreciated superstar in baseball outside his home turf, is doing José Ramírez things. The Guards’ bullpen, maybe the best in the AL this season, suffers no fools gladly. Even those wearing Yankee uniforms.

These are the two best in the AL setting up to square off for the pennant. Almost like ancient times.

But I’ll put up with the usual hemming, hawing, gnashing, bellyaching, and execution demands from Yankee fans drunk deep of fractured entitlement (yes, they still think no World Series is legitimate without the Yankees in it) in order to see these Guards—perhaps the most star-crossed of this year’s LCS entrants and certainly one of the most star-crossed in major league history—come out of the coming skirmish with a World Series date and triumph.

Even if it might be against my Mets. (And it might be, even if the Mets didn’t look so wonderful being blown out by the Dodgers in NLCS Game One Sunday evening.) But I may sacrifice even that to see the stars uncrossed for Cleveland for once. Maybe.

Published originally at Sports Central.

Hernández Hideaway

LosAngeles Dodgers

Ahead for the Dodgers: playing the Mets for the NL pennant.

They had a starting rotation most of which belonged in post-op. But the Dodgers are going to the National League Championship Series.

They had Shohei Ohtani, maybe the National League’s 2024 Most Valuable Player winner in waiting (though Francisco Lindor has a powerful claim), hitting a hefty home run in the first division series game but nothing much after. And they’re going to the NLCS.

They had Freddie Freeman, trying to play despite not giving a rolled ankle sufficient healing time, as close to plain ineffective as he’s ever been at any time in a brilliant career so far. And they’re still going to the NLCS.

Their starting picture so belonged in an orthopedic journal that they went to a Game Four bullpen game. And they’re still going to the NLCS.

They surrendered three homers to Padres superman Fernando Tatis, Jr. (two in Game Two, one in Game Three). And they’re still going to the NLCS.

They lost the sason series to the Pads and didn’t look quite as good on paper coming into the now-done division series. They’re still going to the NLCS.

They scored only two runs Friday night. But those were more than enough to send them to the NLCS.

The Dodgers did it with resilience. They did it with that eight-man bullpen game in the hostile arterials of Petco Park and the pen going lights out otherwise, to where the Dodgers were somehow able to shut the Padres out over the final 24 innings of the set.

They coaxed a magnificent Game Five start out of Yoshi Yamamoto, who turned a five-inning shutout over to that pen, where a mere four relievers were needed to finish what he started. On the first MLB postseason night featuring two Japanese-born starting pitchers, Yu Darvish was brilliant for the Padres over seven, except for two blemishes, and Yamamoto was better over five for the Dodgers.

But the Dodgers had to turn Dodger Stadium into Hernández Hideaway to get there, too, Friday night.

First, Kiké Hernández—back with the Dodgers for a second homecoming year after a detour to Boston, where he’d had a pocketful of postseason heroics for the Red Sox—punished Padres starter Yu Darvish with two outs in the bottom of the second, sending Darvish’s first service halfway up the left field bleachers.

Five innings later, Teoscar Hernández—a first-year Dodger after a tour taking him to Houston, Toronto, and Seattle, whose hefty grand slam pulled the Dodgers to within a run of the Padres in Game Three but only that—didn’t need full pillows. With one out, he hit Darvish’s 2-1 service to the same real estate his fellow Hernández reached.

Padres third baseman and slugger Manny Machado had perhaps the best post mortem from anyone in their silks: “We didn’t hit and score some runs. They did a tremendous job on the other side, on the pitching side. You have to give credit where it’s due. We just couldn’t string along hits. We had some opportunities, we couldn’t [push] through, and we fell short.”

That from a representative of the regular-season offense that threshed, of the team whose starting rotation could and often did dominate, and whose bullpen was one of baseball’s deepest of the year. The Dodgers said, essentially, in Kiké Hernández’s shameless postgame phrase, “[Fornicate] ’em all.”

“What was it,” said third baseman Max Muncy, “80 percent of the f—ing experts said we were going to lose? F— those guys. We know who we are. We’re the f—ing best team in baseball, and we’re out there to prove it.”

That won’t be as easy as they think. Awaiting the Dodgers are the Mets, who picked themselves up from the May scrap heap, rumbled their way to the postseason and through the first two rounds, have a lot more starting pitching depth (and lack of injury), a lineup with more depth than suspected going in, and (big “and”) they’re known lately for leaving bullpens wasted.

Both teams have their issues. The Mets need Pete Alonso to stay in the zone he’s rediscovered this postseason and closer Edwin Díaz to return all the way to form as he hinted in his last outing against the Phillies.

The Dodgers need length from at least two or three starters if they don’t want to tax that bullpen into letting the Mets do what they’ve done best this time around—make the final three innings their personal marquee stage. They also need Mookie Betts to continue becoming the Mookie Monster again after his slumpbusting bombs against the Padres.

This forthcoming NLCS does promise to see two teams throwing the proverbial kitchen sinks at each other as best they can with what they have. Whoever wins it stands to become a heavy World Series favourite.

Pete Rose, RIP: “I was raised, but I never grew up”

Pete Rose

Pete Rose, in his early Reds seasons.

The true cynic must have been awfully tempted to note the date and believe that, once again, Pete Rose made something bigger than him about him. Rose died Monday, at 83, when the Atlanta Braves and the New York Mets tangled in a postseason-decisive doubleheader.

“He couldn’t have done it better,” that cynic might think, “if he’d held out for Game One of the World Series.”

The charitable is tempted to think likewise that even Rose wasn’t and wouldn’t have been that crass about his passage from this island Earth. Would he? He’d already had too deep a roll of “untrustworthy behaviour,” as The Athletic‘s Ken Rosenthal phrased it almost two years ago. He had an equivalent roll of proclaiming enough of his controversies and troubles were someone else’s fault.

“He was Icarus in red stirrup socks and cleats,” wrote his most recent and possibly most thorough biographer, Keith O’Brien, in Charlie Hustle: The Rise and Fall of Pete Rose, and the Last Glory Days of Baseball. “He was the American dream sliding headfirst into third. He was both a miracle and a disaster, and he still is today.”

Few historically great baseball players could be Rose’s level of being their own best friends and their own worst enemies. Those players discovered the hard way when their careers turned toward the decline phases or ended outright. None of those players took either to Rose’s extremes.

O’Brien has written an elegy in the Los Angeles Times in which he, a fellow Cincinnatian, recalls the code by which Rose was raised in the city’s West Side neighbourhoods: “to look both ways when crossing U.S. 50, to be home by supper, to fight for everything in life and to never speak ill of the dead.”

Rose fought for whatever he could and did achieve as a baseball player, the under- endowed, skinny kid who willed himself above and beyond his presumed station to become one of baseball’s biggest stars.

Rarely if ever did it occur to those covering him and falling into thrall to his on-field extremism and off-field wit that Charlie Hustle had a darker, danker side that even opposing GMs ignored because he was a gate attraction on the road as well as at home. “Sportswriters celebrated him for his grit and determination,” O’Brien writes, “and happily ignored his obvious flaws: his womanizing, his gambling and his apparent addiction to both.”

It was an easy choice for the writers. Rose was charming, loved to talk about baseball and always made light of any concerns about his propensity to get down a bet. He admitted being addicted to gambling only later, and only when it served him. The first time was in 1990, when he was seeking leniency in his federal sentencing for tax evasion, and he acknowledged it again in 2004, when he published a shallow, self-serving memoir that he hoped would get him reinstated to baseball.

In reality, Rose was horribly addicted in ways he’d never truly acknowledge. He couldn’t stop gambling. Many people knew it—journalists, Major League Baseball officials, the Reds’ management, his friends, even ordinary fans—and in the end they all just watched him fall.

“The Reds have covered up scrapes for Pete his whole career,” said then-Orioles general manager Hank Peters, after Rose’s 44-game hitting streak ended. “He’s always been in some little jam . . . but people never seem to hold it against him.” Said Rose’s one-time boss on the Reds, Dick Wagner, “Pete’s legs may get broken when his playing days are over.”

Commissioner Peter Ueberroth forced himself to hand the original Rose investigation over his gambling to successor A. Bartlett Giamatti, who’d learn the hard way what disappointed Ueberroth: Rose couldn’t and wouldn’t admit what he’d done. He’d spend years denying it despite the evidence and his banishment . . . until, as Rosenthal reminded us, he wrote a self-serving memoir whose title (My Prison Without Bars) said more than he probably intended.

Rose’s permanent banishment from MLB for violating the rule that prohibits betting on one’s team (and does not specify whether it’s betting your team to win or lose) was followed by the Hall of Fame (which is not under direct MLB jurisdiction, even though baseball’s commissioner serves on its board) voting to bar those on baseball’s permanently ineligible list from appearing on any Hall ballot.

As usual, even if the provocateur is his death, Rose provokes an all-around debate between those who cling to their faith that he was handed a raw deal, those who cling to their equivalent faith that he got precisely what baseball’s rules mandated, and those who cling to the erroneous belief that what he was handed was a “lifetime,” not a “permanent” banishment from the game he loved and besmirched.

There’s even a debate over the shouldn’t-be-debatable, Rose’s verified extramarital dalliance with a girl under Ohio’s legal age for sex. (The long-since grown up girl revealed it in a sworn statement in defense of John Dowd, whom Rose sued for defamation after Dowd cited him for statutory rape. Rose said he didn’t know she was under age at the time . . . but settled with Dowd out of court.) Some simply don’t discuss it. But plenty of others pour a triple shot of appropriate outrage.

Another Athletic writer, C. Trent Rosecrans, went outside Cincinnati’s Great American Ballpark after the news broke Monday, to where a statue of Rose in one of his entertaining and often reckless headfirst slides sits. The statue’s base was covered with everything from roses to baseballs on which Reds fans wrote messages to him.

Pete Rose

Possibly the last known photograph of Rose, appearing at a card show with former Reds teammates (l to r) Dave Concepción, George Foster, Tony Perez, and Ken Griffey, Sr., the day before Rose’s death.

“Outside of Cincinnati, Rose’s legacy is complicated,” Rosecrans writes. ” . . . Here, it’s less complicated. ‘He is Cincinnati,’ [Geoff] Moehlman said. ‘Hard-working town. Hard-working player’.” But O’Brien also remembered in his book that, when Rose became the Reds’ first back-to-back batting titlist, Ohio’s governor proclaimed Pete Rose Day, Cincinnati chose to rename his favourite childhood park after him, but at least five hundred Cincinnatians signed a petition opposing that renaming.

“They didn’t think Pete Rose was worthy of a local landmark,” O’Brien wrote, “perhaps because there were growing questions and rumors about him—questions and rumors that even West Siders couldn’t ignore. One of the rumors circulating about Pete concerned gambling. He seemed to do a lot of it.”

That was before Rose made his first bet with an illegal bookmaker in Cincinnati in the early 1970s. That revelation at that particular time could have brought Rose a discretionary commissioner’s suspension, such as the full year Happy Chandler banned Leo Durocher for hanging with bookies or the full year Bowie Kuhn banned Denny McLain for being a bookie. Maybe it would have been an awakening for Rose almost two decades before he got the one he didn’t want.

The petition against renaming his childhood park for him was also before his womanising reached the point that he faced and lost a paternity suit in 1979. Before he went out of control and into debt enough with his gambling that—not long after becoming the Reds’ player-manager, but while he still held both jobs, in April 1986—Rose did for the first time what he’d never entertained previously: bet on baseball.

He once said, famously enough, “I was raised, but I never grew up.” That’s not entirely true. He had a moral side. The side that enabled him to befriend minority players on his early Reds teams. The side that spurred him to help rookies who followed him and traded-for veterans alike acclimate. The side that compelled him to say to Hall of Famer Carlton Fisk, during Game Six of the 1975 World Series, “This is some kind of game, isn’t it?”

The side that refused to let him even think about a sacrifice bunt against the Cubs in Chicago, when he batted with the Reds still in a piece of a 1985 pennant race, big Dave Parker on deck, and everyone from his boss Marge Schott to Joe and Jane Fan all but demanding he sacrifice and save what he called the Big Knock (passing Ty Cobb, whom he’d already met on the road, on the all-time hits parade) for the home audience.

The side that manager Rose used to order player Rose—knowing a bunt meant a free pass to Parker, lesser bats handed the high-leverage hitting, far less chance for a Reds win—to hit away. Into the most honourable strikeout of his career. (Maybe it was the least he could do on the approach after hanging around to chase Cobb down for far longer than his real usefulness as a player really lasted. But still.)

That’s the side obscured by the manchild who could no longer charm his way out of having mistaken recklessness for invincibility.

I was raised, but I never grew up. The tragedy isn’t that Rose will remain banished from baseball or blocked from the Hall of Fame. The tragedy is that Rose alone wrote the script that sent him there.

Time will not dim the glory of their misdeeds

Andrew Benintendi

Andrew Benintendi–his RBI single walking off a second straight White Sox win Wednesday night a) made him the first White Sox player to walk it off thrice in a year since Scott Podsednik in 2009; and, b) helped the White Sox refuse to go gently into that good gray night where record-breaking season losses live.

Baltimore’s long gone but still remembered Memorial Stadium was built as a shrine to those who fought in both world wars. On its façade, these words were posted: Time Will Not Dim the Glory of Their Deeds. The words could also have applied to the baseball team who played there before the advent of Camden Yards

To the Orioles, when they finally won a game in 1988 after 21 consecutive season-opening losses. And, to the second-longest run of sustained excellence in American League history (1960-1985, the Orioles having only two losing seasons in that quarter century span), behind the Yankees’ 45 years of winning records from 1919-1964, now relegated to memory alone.

Today’s Yankees and Orioles are both going to the postseason. But the Yankees look to have the American League East in hand and in the safe, even if there’s still no set-in-stone guarantee of their getting as far as the World Series. (And do remember the Yankee fan’s credo of entitlement that the Series is illegitimate without them.)

That’s after the Orioles went from spending 81 days atop the division including as much as a three-game advantage to second place and five games back of the Yankees thanks largely to winning only five of their last fifteen. Once on pace to win 104, a rash of injuries, especially to pitchers and infielders, leaves Oriole fans wondering whether their birds have flown since their May peak.

But both those teams would sure as hell rather not switch places with this year’s AL doormats, on the façade of whose ballpark won’t read a paen to glory but might instead read from a vintage Negro spiritual: Were we really there when this happened to us? 

The White Sox’s longest period of sustained excellence (seventeen years) began the same year Edward R. Murrow premiered See It Now with history’s first live coast-to-coast telecast and ended the same year as did the first Apollo astronauts’ lives in a launch pad fire. Their longest period of sustained single-season failure began with a 1-0 loss to the Tigers on 28 March this year.

It still seems given that these Blight Sox will break the 1962 Mets’ record for regular season losses. It could have happened Tuesday night but for the Sox doing what some people have become conditioned to believe can’t be done in White Sox uniforms: they turned a 2-0 deficit into what proved a 3-2 win with an RBI double and a pair of RBI singles in the eighth inning.

Of course, these being the White Sox, that game couldn’t be complete without some sort of mishap. Hark back to the fifth inning, when four Sox converged upon a popup around the right side of the home plate side of the infield and the ball hit the turf like a safe dropped onto a sidewalk from the fourteenth floor.

That was probably the most 1962 Metsian these Blight Sox, these White Sux, these Wail Hose, these South Blindsiders have been all season long. Until this month, the least likely development in 2024 baseball seemed the White Sox developing something heretofore bereft from their calamity and in their play: a sense of humour.

Tuesday night was also the first White Sox win this year in any game in which they trailed after seven innings. “People here tonight were trying to see history,” said left fielder Andrew Benintendi, who hit the RBI double that began the eighth-inning party. “They’re going to have to wait one more day. Maybe.”

Three years ago, the White Sox won the AL Central. The following season, microcosmically amplifying the division’s overall modesty, they finished second with a .500 record. (Exactly 81-81.) Last year, they went 61-101. None of the latter two prepared them for this season and this surrealistic collapse.

“A disaster of this magnitude must have multiple tributaries,” write ESPN’s Buster Olney and Jesse Rogers, in what must surely be the most obvious Captain Obvious utterance since Casey Stengel said of Hall of Famer Joe DiMaggio, a player with whom the Ol’ Perfesser didn’t always see eye-to-eye, “He was rather splendid in his line of work.” But the dynamic duo (Olney and Rogers, that is) proceed forth:

It’s not only about the decades-long habit of owner Jerry Reinsdorf loyally clinging to employees past peak effectiveness. “Old news,” said one staffer. It’s not only about a wave of injuries; lots of teams deal with a lot of injuries. It’s not only about a first-time manager [read: long-since deposed Pedro Grifol–JK] whose tenure was infected by a toxic clubhouse mix. Lots of teams have veterans who don’t get along, though the White Sox seemed to have had more than their share. It’s not only about a handful of players performing at their worst. It’s not only about a first-time general manager taking his first turn on the learning curve. It’s not necessarily about spending—in an era in which teams have slashed payroll to facilitate tanking, the White Sox’s payroll is about $145 million, ranked 18th among 30 teams.

According to more than two dozen sources inside and outside the organization, it’s all of that, together. Over the course of the season, there were missteps from every level of the organization—and just plain bad baseball—that turned the 2024 White Sox from a bad team into a historically awful one.

Once upon a time, Red Sox-turned-Brewers first baseman George (Boomer) Scott told then-Brewers chairman Ed Fitzgerald, “You know, Mr. Fitzgerald, if we’re gonna win, the players gotta play better, the coaches gotta coach better, the manager gotta manage better, and the owners gotta own better.” That fine fielding, power-hitting first baseman didn’t get to live to see these Blight Sox.

Once upon a more distant time, Bill Veeck marveled of the 1962 Mets, “They are without a doubt the worst team in the history of baseball. I speak with authority. I had the St. Louis Browns. I also speak with longing . . . If you couldn’t have fun with the Mets, you couldn’t have fun anyplace.” That from the man who owned the White Sox twice in his lifetime, won one pennant the first time, and survived the infamous Disco Demolition Night in his second go-round.

Grady Sizemore’s signature achievement since succeeding the deposed Grifol has been, seemingly, to ease the toxins out of the White Sox clubhouse. That alone graduated him from not a topic to on the list of candidates for the permanent managing job. His cheerful ways of finding glasses half full aren’t the worst things to happen to his team this year. Even if, as Olney and Rogers remind us, he got this gig purely because the players liked him.

The White Sox players now seem a lot less ready to throw each other under the proverbial bus. Most indications seem to be that they’re more likely to talk to each other in a let’s-go-get-’em-tomorrow mood, even if they’re the ones most likely to get got. There even seems a chance that when (not if) they pass the ’62 Mets, the White Sox might heave sighs of relief in the form of more gallows jokes.

First, they have to get there. Walking it off on Benintendi’s bottom-of-the-tenth RBI single for a 4-3 win against those Angels Wednesday night was either a continued re-awakening or prolonging the agony. Or, it was a simple declaration of, Not in our house! 

They have one more with the Angels at home, then a three-game set with the Tigers in Detroit to finish the season. They now seem bent on refusing to go gently into that good gray night, but the odds of them passing those ’62 Mets are still on their negative side.

These White Sox may not say of their too-unique season in hell, Time will not dim the glory of our misdeeds. But would you blame them for the temptation?

“I’m the one probably most surprised . . . “

Shohei Ohtani

Ohtani takes one of his curtain calls from the Miami audience Thursday evening.

If you absolutely must become baseball’s first 50/50 man, as in 50+ home runs and 50+ stolen bases in a single season, you couldn’t pay for any more earth-moving way to do it than Shohei Ohtani found Thursday evening.

A 6-for-6 day at the plate. As many runs batted in in one game as his Dodgers teammate Freddie Freeman has so far in all September. Three RBI hits serving as just the overture to both Ohtani’s history-making suite and the Dodgers smothering the hapless Marlins, 20-4, in the Fish’s own tank.

Theft number 50 after a first-inning double and theft number 51 after the second-inning RBI single. A two-run double in the third ruined only by Ohtani getting himself thrown out trying to stretch it into a triple.

Almost exactly the way Hall of Famer in waiting Albert Pujols demolished the Rangers after the sixth inning in Game Three of the 2011 World Series (three bombs: one each in the seventh, eighth, and ninth innings), Ohtani’s real mayhem began in the sixth:

A man on second and one out in the sixth, Ohtani sent an 0-1 slider into the second deck behind right center field. It made him only the second Dodger behind Shawn Green to hit 49 in a season. Second and third off a wild pitch and two out in the seventh, Ohtani hit one the opposite way into the left field bullpen. That founded the 50/50 Club and earned him a loud curtain call in a road ballpark.

First and second and two out in the ninth, Ohtani slammed the best possible exclamation point upon the proceedings when he drove a high meatball from a sacrificial lamb (read: Marlins position player, Vidal Bruján) well into the upper deck behind right field. With another curtain call to follow.

“To be honest,” Ohtani told a television interviewer through an interpreter post-game, “I’m the one probably most surprised. I have no idea where this came from, but I’m glad that I performed well today.”

The loanDepot Park audience in Miami didn’t have much to root for from their own lack of heroes this year (the Marlins have already been eliminated from the postseason mathematically), so it didn’t cost them anything but netted them plenty of respect to hand history their day’s loudest ovations.

If you’re my age, you can compare it to the day the usually unapologetic rooters of the early Mets suddenly turned on their anti-heroes on that fine 1964 Father’s Day in Shea Stadium, when Hall of Fame pitcher Jim Bunning threatened to pitch the first perfect game in the 20th Century National League. When Bunning finished what he started, he was hit with a wild standing O and an invitation to appear on The Ed Sullivan Show.

Credit Marlins manager Skip Schumaker, whose ten-year major league playing career included one season (2013) with the Dodgers, for looking into the teeth of the hurricane demolishing his club, with Ohtani potentially carrying number 50 in his bat, seeing second and third and two outs in the seventh, electing not to put Ohtani aboard to give the Fish a better survival chance with aging Kevin Kiermaier—whose bat is now as useless as his glovework remains a study—due to hit behind him.

“If it was a tight game, one run lead or we’re down one,” the manager said postgame, “I probably put him on. Down that many runs [nine], that’s a bad move baseball-wise, karma-wise, baseball god-wise. You go after him to see if you can get him out. I think out of respect for the game, we were going to go after him. He hit the home run. That’s just part of the deal.”

“A lot of us actually looked at the opposing dugout and I think a lot of the coaches were telling Skip, ‘Hey, we should walk him right here’,” said Dodger third baseman Max Muncy, who’d scored on Ohtani’s early single and final home run. “I’ve always loved Skip. When he was the first base coach in San Diego, I always talked to him. I heard all guys love to play for him. For him to do that, that’s awesome.”

“The game was certainly out of hand,” said Dodger manager Dave Roberts. “Guys got their starters out and then to take that potential moment away from the fans, Shohei himself, Skip understood that. It was bigger than that and I’ve got nothing for respect for that.”

Kiermaier striking out to end that seventh merely amplified the magnanimity of what Schumaker refused to do. A team out of any pennant race has a lot more for which to apologise to their fans than trying to stop the unstoppable force on a night he’s making history on its dollars. And leading his team to a National League West division clinch while he’s at it.

Ohtani previously entered the rareified 40/40 club by hitting a grand slam. This was different. This was a night the Dodgers used the Marlins for target practise and Ohtani proved to have the most ammunition to expend. Even MLB officials were in on the act, swapping out regulation game baseballs for pre-authenticated balls before Ohtani batted in the seventh.

When he turned Mike Baumann’s curve ball into history, those officials scurried to siphon as much memorabilia as they could carry away from Ohtani, perhaps leaving observers to ask only how they’d managed to miss his uniform belt, undershirt, and jock strap.

It isn’t every day that a player has a ten-RBI, six-hits, five extra-base hits, three home runs, two stolen bases day. No player had done all of those over a career, according to OptaSTATS. Not Babe Ruth or Lou Gehrig, not Ted Williams or Stan Musial, not Mickey Mantle or Willie Mays, not Henry Aaron or Roberto Clemente, not Dick Allen or Mike Schmidt, not Barry Bonds or Ken Griffey, Jr.

Ohtani did all five in a single day.

“With this game of baseball, it was a win for Major League Baseball,” said Roberts. “I know people all over the globe were watching this game and we’re excited to see that they got a chance to witness history.”

Roberts and Schumaker understood what too many forget, including among those who administer the game, but which longtime New York Times baseball writer George Vecsey got, watching then-commissioner A. Bartlett Giamatti getting it, too, when Giamatti almost gave in and pumped his fist watching Hall of Fame pitcher Nolan Ryan ring up his 5,000th lifetime strikeout at Hall of Fame outfielder/base larcenist Rickey Henderson’s expense: “baseball is about rooting, about caring.”

Nowhere was that more evident than when Ohtani popped out of the visitors’ dugout to take one of a couple of curtain calls after his blasts. A young fan on the other side of the side rail, holding a sign up just above the rail, but level with Ohtani’s face:

I SKIPPED MATH
TO WATCH
HISTORY.
OHTANI 50/50.

If I’m that boy’s English teacher, I give extra credit for the school-age pun of the season.